Stardust: I am Another Sun

What I am seeing is the another Sun today
Eight Minutes old

How puny am I to ponder in the past of the wasted Hydrogen atom?

And call it a present

The Juncture of survival I claim

I am Eight Minutes New

And I am yet to comprehend my existence

Am I an Extant Poem?
Will I ever ponder beyond the locution I Intertwine?

Or forever remain a Confused wordplay

Not Playing at all

I live inside the Ghost of a misspend Helium

No inferno could ever make sense

than the Sun I revolve around

I can be the morning from now on

Why Not?

I have always been a stardust

"Lizard who Smells like Rectum"

(A Perspective)

You were a sperm

Who aced the ovary's test

And since then

You have been examined and tested

Like a commodity

In each and every steps

What is world if it is not a factory?

Your qualities are being controlled

Your destiny is prescribed

You are sold in the market

Advertised in CVs

You are interviewed

Tested and it never stops

All you have is that false sense of freedom

False conviction that choices are yours to make

But Alas!

You are just like a lizard

Convicted of crime unspeakable

Arrested

Because you cannot fly

What is world if it is not a factory?

You are a raw material

Filtered in high schools

Distilled in colleges

Mocked with false choices

Crushed in the fabrics of so called reality

All ready

You are now a machine

Whose job is to please everybody

You are packed with your fancy degrees

Labeled to be sold in the market

with inhuman currencies

And then you are played with

Stripped of your dignity

Sadly

You adapt

Strategically placing your lips on the rectum of anything that promises dream

And then you try to morally justify your rape

By calling it 'Sacrifices' the world asks you to make

Nothing changes

You are still a Lizard

But now you smell like rectum

You are nothing

You are just what the market needs

Interviewed by Anonymity

What is your Greatest Fear?

I do not have greatest fear. Although the fact that every person around me who love me and acknowledge my existence are eventually going to disappear from the face of the earth sends the chill down my spine. I do not want to lose them, not now, not when I am alive. I think I can barely exist without them. But it is not my greatest fear.

Funny thing is I am always anxious. Anxious of little things like what if my boss finds the accounting error I committed in the financial statements he has just approved, what if I cross my path with a burglar, what if some goon sabotaged me in an ATM and decapitate me [I recently watched one video] and take all of my money, what if I am not really destined to be great, what if I die, what if I fail, what if I…?

I do not have fear, the greatest one. But I do have series of them that sometimes make me anxious and paranoid.

Will I die alone?

Will I find my soul mate?

Will I be saved?

What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?

I have excuses to everything. That is why I haven’t progressed. I reason my incapacity with my witty way with words which I am really good at. But I am not the words I wear, explanation I give.

And self acclaimed realization that I am a good student (My academia makes it official), a good poet (I have won few competitions and some hearts), a good singer (I have been acknowledged with honest reviews that have advised me to practice and the sky will be the limit.), a good leader (I sometimes find myself influencing/manipulating people to do what I want them to do. Many have acknowledged. I almost revolutionized entire High School policy. The Principal still despises me.), a good photographer (Some of my Achievements have been paid homage to.), a good……….. I hate the term ‘A good’. I deplore ‘A good’. It confuses me. I do not know who I really am and what I really want because I enjoy everything I am good at. It makes me impractical.

And I almost forgot to mention, I deplore the fact that my English is rather simple. Not complicated and beautiful like those writers. I have tried but I cannot change the way I am, can I? Haha

What is your favorite journey?

In a Philosophical Way?

I have learned that everything fades away. The love wears when the feelings remain. You feel different about the same thing in different point of time. Sometimes you confuse it with love, and sometimes hatred, but the feelings remain.

In a physical way?

I remember few journeys in pieces like when we had to take a day long Hike to travel from Bhojpur to Dawa and we passed through some beautiful peaceful places away from humanly civilization where you could hear the soothing sound of the distant streams and nostalgic chirpings of every soulful birds. You could listen to yourself thinking and could almost see the heart of every person travelling through those places.

I remember few bus journeys and no the destination is not the reason I remember them. I remember them because I had right set of songs in my MP3 player to accompany me.

I remember leaving for home. It is one of the best feeling.

On what occasion do you Lie?

Most of the times on the occasion when I am not needed to lie. And I tend to tell the truth in the places I do not necessarily have to. I trust people. Not the wrong people. I trust anyone who is nice to me. It is for them to decide if they are right or wrong. Besides I do not have nuclear secrets to hold within myself. I rarely keep secrets.

But I lie sometimes and I am not really proud of those occasions but there are times when manipulating the version of truth have rightfully saved my ass.

What do you dislike about your appearance?

Perhaps my vertical alignment, how the sky wants to stay farther away from me?

Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

I do not quite remember. I have to ask the people around me.

When and where were you the most Happiest?

Recently, when I scored two goals in a Commonwealth stadium. Although it was small achievement but I remember being happy.

And few days ago when I was jamming with my Guitarist friend, Ankit. He is like a brother to me and that song he wrote and sang. It was very tough day for the hair on the back of my neck to stay intact. It was soul refining.

What talent would you most like to have?

I just want to find myself. I am complete. I just need to find myself.

If you could change one thing about yourself what would that be?

My literary prowess? Although it contradicts with my previous answer.

What do you regard as the lowest depth of Misery?

Self fabricated miseries? Which are physically nonexistent but they exist because we believe that they exist.

What is your most treasured possession?

I have been surprised with many gifts and I treasure them the most and the person involved in those gifts are my most treasured possession.

Where would you like to live?

Somewhere peaceful that possess less man made things and more of nature.

What is your favorite occupation?

Happiness? What more can I say?

What is your most marked characteristic?

Although I regard it as painful possession but people who know me tell that it doesn’t take much time for people to trust me. I have enjoyed this skill many times but sometimes it becomes burden. Because people trust me with their secrets and I do not value secret or perhaps I am not good with them and things cannot really stay inside my heart forever. I yap them out eventually.

Who is your favorite hero of Fiction?

Rick Blaine from Casablanca.

The Poem That Melted My Mother's Misunderstanding and made me realize that I am yet to perfect Nepali Unicode Typing

मैले स्कुल मा के सिखे?

खै के सिखे?

कहिले काहिँ आमा संग झगडा गरेर थाह पाए

मन कसैको दुखाउनु हुदैन भनेर

बिचारी जत्ति झगडा गर्दा पनि

छोरा भनेर पुल्पुलाएर बोलाउछिन

स्कुलमा " मोरल साइन्स"

नामको मात्र बिषय थियो

पान पसल मा गुटका च्याप्ने गुरु ले

धुम्रपान गर्नु हुदैन भन्दै सिकाउथे

बाबा को काँध मा चढेर उडदा

खेल के हो भनेर सिखेको मैले

स्कुलमा "फिजिकल ट्रेनिङ्ग"

नामको मात्र बिषय थियो

परीक्षामा फुटबल को चित्र गोलो भएन भनेर फेल गर्ने ले

खेलकुद के सिकाउनु?

गणित बाट धेरै सिके

तर नचाहिने कुरा बढी थियो

हिसाब त दशैं मा दक्षिणा गन्दा गन्दै सिकियो

बिजिनेस गर्ने सपना भएको ले पनि

घाम को छाया बाँस मा पर्यो भने

बाँस कति किलो थियो भन्दै नाप्नु पर्थ्यो?

गणित त बिषय हैन बाहाना मात्र थियो

फेल गराउने साधन थियो

विद्यार्थी को सपना को हिसाब राखन नसक्ने ले

गणित के सिकाउथे होला र?

जिन्दगि भाइ हुर्केको देखेर सिके

मेरो उटपटाङ्ग कथा

ध्यान दिएर सुन्ने ति आँखा टल्किएको देख्दा

कविता लेख्न सीखे

"साहित्य" त बिषय मात्र थियो

मैले कति काब्य पढेको छु भनेर मेरो रचनात्मकता जाच्ने ले

के 'सिर्जना' गर्न सिकाउने होला?

छिमेकी घर को झगडा देखेर

समाज मा कस्तो छबि बन्छ भनेर सिके

मातिने बाउ को छोरा साथी थियो मेरो

उसको दुख देखेर

समाज र परिवार सिखे

"सामाजिक शिक्षा" त बिषय मात्र थियो

समाज मा आवाज राख्न नसक्ने ले

के समाज मा जिउन सिकाउथे?

म शिक्षित हैन

ज्ञानी बन्न चाहन्छु

स्कुल गएर आधा जिन्दगि नास भयो

शिक्षा मेरो ज्ञानको अडचन बन्यो

म ज्ञानी बन्न सक्थे होला

तर बीच मा स्कुल जानु पर्यो

ज्ञान त खुला आकास मुनिको

जीवन जिएर पो पाइन्छ जस्तो लाग्यो

त्यो पैसा माङ्ग्ने

तर दिए जति कहिले नासिकाउने बिद्यालयले

के ज्ञानी बनाउथ्यो होला र?

Took an inspiration from Mark Twain's Quote

A Loveless Love Letter

Dear,

I do not find addressing this letter to your name proper. It does not serve the purpose of the Universe I created out of your Presence in your absence because your name Confines you to something singular. Your name gives you the physicality but I am the one who has fallen deep for your abstractness.

Even your absence gives me conviction of your existence. You can be anything when you are not the false identity the world has vested upon you.

For a starter, You are the home that I want to go back to after tiresome work.

I have bookmarked “Missing” in my Soul’s dictionary. ‘A word’ which is a novel by itself. A word, a painting that hangs on the wall of my conscience. I remember you but I miss you too. I have missed the chances I should have taken and I miss you on my curtain less Chat window.

You are the words you type, bigger than life. Since, you are not a name I have the liberty to call you “Magic”. You add life to those soulless stickers. Do the magic that you have been doing, take my life and replace it with yours.

I will be you and we will be us but not a name. We shall be the bond of respect, faith and understanding. We shall be the conviction itself and the existence will follow.

Kiss me with your presence when you are absent. Embrace me with your life.

Let me ask you again, will you take my life and replace it with yours?

Yours

Naive

I will from Now On

Cease to Exist

Will March Towards Void

To Embrace the Vanity

After all,

To change the Rule of the world

You Shall Live it in the First Place

I am a change

At least It's what I think

I do not want

Want to Long for Wisdom

Written to Bend with time

I am the Change

Time shall adapt with Me

I am Confused

Or Am I in the Brink of achieving answer to the unspoken questions?

Or May be

I am Naive

"The bridge where I would stand and decide which side I really wanna be at...."

-Rebecca Shakya (My Friend)

Everybody needs a connection to connect to

There has been time, the magnitude of time being “Most of the time”, when I have felt disconnected. Times when I feel like I am bound to find something, miracle, or something ordinary which may lead that urge of connection to fulfillment. And to my disappointment, nothing happens; I end up being Sad and Hopeless. Seriously, How do I tell?

Let me rephrase it for you with an example. Have you had this moment in childhood when your daddy promised you that he would bring something that You demanded wholeheartedly but when he comes back home from work he comes back with nothing? Do you Remember how disappointed you felt? Although you knew that your daddy would anyhow bring that thing to you by tomorrow or after few days, you could not stop feeling disappointed.

Well, I think I am living the Adult version of the same childhood. The only difference is “instead of looking up to my parents, I am looking up to this divine intervention.” Universe is my parents. By Universe I mean the following things:

1. Office Cubicle and Ugly Files
2. Lousy monotonous Paper works
3. Routine stuck between going to Office and Coming back from Office
4. Having No fun at all (Having few beers in the name of Fun)
5. Friends who are busy living their own life (I am not asking for their attention, I am just elaborating my Universe)
6. Wishes that I weave before going to Bed but do not have time or energy to execute (Like sometimes I wish to go on a bus trip, alone, to anywhere--- just get into the bus and let the bus take me to its last station---and during that journey I would love to sit there and look out of the window and “wonder and wander” into the realm of my life. And take a notebook with me and write down about How I feel. Write about everything. Like how I feel when the breeze of air hits my face, what song pops into my mind, which ex do I desperately want to go back to, my aim, my goals, my purpose of existence, and all the boring things. I would be alone answering myself.)

{I have this belief that a man or a woman is the problem that he/she seeks solution from. So if you want to find answers to your question, don’t google it or Waste that Question in a chat room or in a fb status or put it on a table while you are in your social circle, just look within. You are the answer and no matter how attractive or unattractive or disappointing or whining you are, you are the real answer.}

Let’s go back to where I was listing the Members of my Universe. I am getting out of track.

7. Calls I get from my Parents, that moment of realization when you do not feel like you are alone
8. Hopes and Blind faiths that my Parents have sweetly vested upon me but somehow without any of their intentions are turning into piercing Pressure, I can feel the pinch.
9. The world (which seems like it’s moving on) constantly mocking my inability to adapt.
10. The worst part of my Universe is, the difference between:
1. the Career I am pursuing and the dream I want to pursue
2. The confusion I am enduring and the conviction I am forced to endure
3. Difference Between being lost and claimed to be found
4. Difference between Having beloved around and The desperate call to be loved
5. Poems I write and Reality I live
6. Love I fall into and The Love the world believes in

(It’s hard when I am hovering in between these differences. I feel like Sandra Bullock in this Hollywood flick named “Gravity” where she was getting lost in Nothingness. Just Somersaulting like a hopeless space Hydra (if space hydra exists))

I should really title this article “10 Things I hate about U….NIVERSE”

I feel like a USB cable searching for a port to be connected to.

The sad thing is that the Universe is expanding and I am here sitting motionless like a lifeless asteroid waiting for some comet to hit me and set me into motion. That waiting needs eternity, and life expectancy in my country is 70 and I have already successfully wasted 22 eternities of my life.